Eyes of the Heart

November 13, 2010 at 2:32 PM (Our Journey, Surrogate Education)
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I know that I need to post an update on Enzo and get some of the many pictures that Lucy sends me on to the blog for you to see but that isn’t what I’m going to post about today, sorry!!  Many people think the blog is coming to an end now, but that isn’t going to happen either.  There are many things I still want to write about regarding surrogacy and one of the big ones is landing on this page today.  I will continue to give updates on Enzo and our families along with tackling some of the issues that parents or surrogates come across on the surrogacy journey…you wouldn’t think so, but I’ve yet to even scratch the surface of this miraculous and complex subject.  I hope you continue to read along and post your comments on whatever forum you tend to read this blog on because I love interacting with you all!

So, there is a decision that every surrogate mother and every intended parent has to make before a single preparatory step is made in a surrogate arrangement and that subject area is how you feel about termination or selective reduction also known as abortion, also known as making the choice to end a life.  Blood pressure rising yet??  Now, I know there are many realms of justification and MANY opinions regarding what each singular person may decide for themselves at what point a life constitutes life.  I personally don’t trust myself to choose or reach the absolute right truth in this area, this is an area I have never had the desire to f&^k up in.  Believe me, I am fully capable to justify and argue points on either side, but just because I can make a pretty damn good case for either side it doesn’t make it the truth.  I relied on the bible to make my decisions but if I had needed a secondary source, my friends would have been enough help.

Many of my friends are post abortive, statistically like 1 in every 4 of them.  It shouldn’t surprise anyone, but if your friends actually felt they could tell their secret, you would probably be pretty shocked at how that statistic holds true.  You’re clueless if you think this only applies to women in lower socioeconomic groups and those who claim no affiliation with God.  Our churches are full of women sitting in silence and most often in pain about their abortion choices and decisions yet to be made.  One of my best friends helps run a crisis pregnancy center and through her I’ve had the opportunity to serve in post abortion ministry.  It simultaneously rips my heart out and powerfully restores the soul.  The thing I don’t think most people understand is that the majority of the people who cry out against abortion aren’t some clan of zealous religious freaks (but yes, some of them are) they are women who have exercised their rights to have an abortion (doesn’t matter the circumstances surrounding the decision) and have since came to the conclusion that they shouldn’t have.  What sucks the most for those friends is the damn hindsight.  Their abortions affected them more than they ever thought they could, they believed the nurses and the clinics when they said, “After today, you won’t ever have to think about this again.”  It wasn’t true!!  Even though they didn’t want to think about it, they did and they thought about it a lot.  It affected marriages in ways they didn’t even see at times, their sex lives, their ability to love, the guilt they felt when looking at the children they did have, the anger at themselves, their families, their friends, or God.

 I’m thankful for friends who would plead and beg with me if necessary not to make the same choices.  I am also thankful that their eyes along with mine have been opened to understand that what a post abortive woman needs period is compassion, love, understanding, and the truths that lead to the healing process.  I don’t know how anyone could sit and actually listen to an abortion story and have the audacity to come off self righteous.  I’m sorry post abortive women that the reality is sometimes that way, it shouldn’t be.  I find it offensive myself when someone knows I haven’t had an abortion so they think I can’t possibly understand those that have or assumes I judge myself to be better than someone who has.

At any rate, for surrogates and intended parents writing out details of their surrogacy contract, you aren’t dealing with a crisis situation when making these decisions, you are making them without pressure before a pregnancy even occurs.  I urge you to really think about and research this aspect as much as you researched your fertility clinic, your finances, or your choice of lawyer.  Intended parents should not be making abortion choices for their surrogates and surrogates shouldn’t be letting them.  The genetic material may or may not be coming from the surrogate but everyone IP’s and surrogates included, needs to understand that the removal of the embryo(s)/baby would be coming out from the surrogate’s body and that genetic material doesn’t eliminate the surrogate from emotional and physical consequences of receiving the procedure.  It doesn’t eliminate the intended parents from the effects either. 

Also, don’t believe that just because the statistics for the splitting of embryos or five day blasts are low that you aren’t setting yourself up for selective reduction.  Even if you don’t think it could really happen, it happens, it could happen to you.  Ashley’s two embryos took and then one split into identical twins so she carried triplets, read her story here.  You could be the one out of how ever many that this happens to, take these hypothetical situations seriously in making such decisions.  How awful it would be thinking it really wouldn’t happen and then it does and you are under contract for an abortion you never really wanted.  No matter the contract, as a surrogate you have full control of your body the entire process but you would need your lawyer to see you through the change in contract terms with your IP’s if they still wanted to enforce the contracted abortion.  Most likely there would be financial consequences for the surrogate.  Personally, if I found that I hadn’t protected myself from the beginning and was in that situation, I’d take the financial consequence no matter the cost or burden and trust that the life inside me was worth living.  If your contract was made in a state where surrogacy is illegal or contracts aren’t legally enforcable the surrogate most likely won’t experience consequences (remember the legal aspect of that in reverse intended parents…if the contract isn’t legal or can’t be enforced the surrogate could abort or reduce at any time she wanted to for any reason).  Check your P’s and Q’s no matter how uncomfortable the conversations. 

 You will have many people who view abortion, termination, and selective reduction as no big deal, the rest will offer guidance for the other side of that coin along with the offer of support when a post abortion experience does become a big deal and the first group doesn’t know how in the hell to help you with that.  You can contact any crisis pregnancy center to help talk through these major decisions, you don’t need to be pregnant to utilize their services.  You can email me, you can talk to Jessica whose story is below, you can talk to my friend Kari at her center (the phone is answered 24/7), all you have to do is ask for the phone number and/or inquire by posting me a comment on here (I won’t publish those requests) or email me at pocketbebe@yahoo.com. 

Just the other night the center where Kari works at held a gala to celebrate the lives saved from abortion and the restoration found for those in need of post abortion healing.  Our friend Jessica spoke the beautiful words written below:

My name is Jessica and I am a daughter of God.  I have tasted the sweetness of forgiveness in many wonderful ways.  Part of that sweetness has come to me by my post abortion healing group called Surrendering the Secret.

 You see, eleven years ago in my search to find love and my purpose in life, I became pregnant.  I was 17 and I made the decision to parent Blaine.  After 2 1\2 years of struggling with addiction and making incredibly poor choices, I gave him to my brother and sister-in-law and they adopted him.  After this happened, I vowed I would never again have any children.  Six years ago, just one year after signing the adoption papers, I found myself faced with another unplanned pregnancy.  My decision to keep that vow I made a year before seemed clear.  On July 19, 2004 I chose to abort my 14 week old baby.  Today, by God’s sweet and merciful grace, I am 27 weeks pregnant, married to an amazing man, and have the joy of raising our two wonderful sons.

 As I have journeyed through my abortion experience, I have discovered God’s true heart for me as a beloved daughter.  I used to view God and faith in God as some sort of fairy tale, to be used as a security blanket for the weak and to help people sleep at night.  If this God was real, I was sure he knew nothing of the hell I’d been through.

 I soon discovered that He does know me, and it wasn’t until I began to learn about and really know Him that it began to make sense.  I have learned that He wants me to rest in His arms, and that even in my darkest places He is pursuing me.  I’ve learned that all my children are created and deeply loved by God.  I’ve learned that at death, my sweet baby that I aborted was immediately passed into God’s presence.  I know that she is waiting for me and the rest of our family to join her in heaven.  Such amazing truths that God has pressed into my heart.

 I shared these pieces of my life with my Surrendering the Secret group expecting rejection, and instead I received welcoming arms of acceptance as they shared their own stories of pain and struggle.  Through this, I began to understand what grace is really about, and that God’s grace truly is sufficient.  That grace has allowed me to see my baby laughing in the arms of our Father, and given me the gift of knowing that someday, I will be there laughing too. 

Through my healing experience I came to realize how dear my sisters are to me.  How well they have loved me when I once considered love to be an impossibility.  They’ve been there for me to vent, cry, and even rage in my deepest moments of grief.  God has shown me the beauty of the body of Christ.

 That, my friends, is why ministries like these are so vitally important.  God’s heart broke the day we chose to abort our babies, but it also breaks everyday that we are held in bondage to this decision.  Without the ministry there are women who may go their entire lives haunted by their pasts or by currents choices they face.  When provided with the truth they can experience freedom instead of slavery.  Jesus is passionate about the healing of those lost and suffering from the effects of abortion.  He is crying out to the Father on behalf of these women, and I can think of nothing more beautiful. 

© Pocketbebe, 2010

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Enzo’s Birth Day!

October 18, 2010 at 9:59 PM (Our Journey, Surrogate Education)
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UPDATE:  Enzo was discharged from the hospital Thursday evening and they returned home.  Lucy told me this weekend that he was starting to get his appetite back but still had a cough.  Tonight she told me he is back to taking four ounces at a time again.  Please continue to pray for their family and for some normalcy. 

This past Friday, October 15, was Enzo’s due date and instead of arriving at the birthing center for a water birth, I arrived for my six week postpartum appointment.  There were two women there giving birth and usually when someone goes in to have a baby they cancel all the remaining appointments for the day but since it takes me two hours to drive there I was still allowed to come (plus I think they wanted to see pictures).  It was a little bitter sweet as our midwives had wanted to deliver us as much as we wanted to deliver there.  Lucy and I had mourned our loss of that dream while in the hospital but it was so very sweet to see that other people were just as disappointed as we had been.  In the end though he arrived healthy and happy; well, until that nasty virus got him a week ago but that is a separate issue.  All checked out great and that was the end of our birthing center chapter. 

I’m still pumping milk for Enzo.  I don’t know if this is the absolute truth but a book I read said that when a woman delivers a preemie for the first four weeks the milk is obviously geared exactly for that preemie and contains a lot more protein than full term milk would but after just four weeks (no matter how early baby arrived) it is no different than the milk at 40 weeks gestation would be.  I pumped every three hours when I started pumping to build up a supply because I wanted to express as much of that preemie milk as I could before the four weeks were up.  My highest producing day was 56 ounces (I’m using the Medela Symphony pump) but my average was about 48 ounces a day and it was A LOT of work and physically tiring.  Now, I am only pumping three times a day and I’m only yielding 20 to 24 ounces a day but it is what works for me and what fits into my schedule.  To answer everyone’s question, I do not know how long I am going to pump for.  To answer another potential question, this is normal in the surrogacy world.  Lucy is still pumping and breastfeeding also.  I’ll do a post in the future about storing and shipping breast milk but I thought you might like to hear about my recent shipping experience.

I was in the Fed-X shipping store and the Fed-X guy came while I was there.  I had three heavy coolers in boxes containing dry ice and something around 800 ounces of frozen milk.  I had written on the boxes, FRAGILE HUMAN MILK and the Fed-X guy goes, “What is human milk?” and the lady (remember I live in redneck central) goes, “It’s breast milk dumbass.”  Without missing a beat he turns to me and asks, “How many gallons of that there breast milk are ya shipping?”  So, Fed-X guy thinks I’m at home filling plastic milk jugs with boobie milk.  This mental image starts to crack me up and then I notice he is eyeing my rack as if he plans on taking a guess and if he’s right that I might give him some sort of stuffed pony.  As I left though I began to wonder just how many gallons of milk it really was… when I went home and converted it, it was almost 6 ½ gallons of  milk that I had collected in the previous 14 day grind. Six and a half friggin’ gallons!!  Yeah, I’m pretty dang proud of that accomplishment.  I should earn a patch for my sash, I could help feed a small third world country. 

Ok, so what you are really here for is to find out about Enzo’s actual birth day.  Day three of the induction ended around nine at night and I was able to eat and take a shower.  At midnight began day four of the induction.  I was super excited that they were beginning Pitocin at midnight but was quickly deflated when I found out they were only going to go up to half the maximum dosage and keep me at that until six in the morning. Urgh!!!  Annoying because I had to be on the monitor (contraction and heartbeat) while on the Pitocin and that meant that I wouldn’t hardly be sleeping.  Those six hours slowly dragged by and eventually they started upping it slowly. From here, I don’t remember the time frames of things.  I started having contractions according to the monitor but they still didn’t hurt so we didn’t get our hopes up.  Then I stood up for a bit and they started to get stronger and then within a few minutes were coming faster and faster.  They didn’t last very long but as soon as I had finished a contraction another one was starting.  I was leaning on the bed when I’d have a contraction and the monitors would come off the baby and all I can remember thinking is that if Lucy were watching the monitor when I leaned forward she would be freaking out.  When it was at the point where I was only just beginning labor but the frequency and intensity was exactly like transition phase I just knew the labor experience was going to get ugly before we reached the actual birth.  At that point I was only at ¾ of the maximum dose and they had no intention of not reaching that maximum dose to ensure I progressed with labor and I could not imagine having to endure the full dosage with worse contractions for HOURS.  I talked with the nurse about the epidural and I was only willing not to have the epidural if it meant I would have to stay the night at the hospital after delivering Enzo – remember I also had a husband in intense pain on the cusp of having his appendix removed.  So, the epidural was called in for me and the Epi man was in emergency c-section surgery and had another c-section to do before he could get to me.  OMG, that was the longest hour in my life and my husband couldn’t even take a break from rubbing my back because the contractions felt like they never stopped.  When he finally got there I just remember sharply sucking my breath in and arching my back during the numbing injection.  I think it was around eleven or eleven thirty and I believe I was four cm when she checked me after the epidural.  I know I told The Husband to tell Lucy and Ricky to come then.  I’m not sure but I think they came, left to grab lunch and then came back again.  I do know that at 1:30 I felt the right kind of pressure and told the nurse but she didn’t check me.  Right before two Ricky was going to go back to the condo and pack his bags because he, Little Ricky, and Auntie were going to be flying back to Miami at the end of the day.  He was going out the door right at two when the midwife came in to check me.  She told the nurse a few more contractions and he would have been delivered on the bed.  Lucy called Ricky and stopped him in the parking lot and in less than two minutes I swear that room was transformed and the entire NICU team was ready.  It was quite impressive.  Two pushes and Enzo was crowning.  It felt like an eternity after the second push while we had to wait for the next contraction for me to push and his head was half out and I remember thinking there was no way in hell I would have been able to do that had I not had an epidural.  If I could of felt that fire I would have been pushing, contraction or not to get past that pain.  When the contraction came I had just started when they told me to stop and right out he came.  The birth time was 2:12.  The midwife sat him on me for a second and cut and clamped the cord and he went right into the warmer as the team started to examine him.  He was crying the minute he came out and scored a 9 on his first apgar.  Ricky did the final cord cutting and Lucy was taking pictures the entire time.  She got Enzo and they were holding him and it was so exciting to see her with him finally.  She had tears in her eyes and when she brought him close for me to see, I got tears in mine.  My husband was excited and was taking pictures, it made me giddy because that excitement was what I got to experience the entire time.  It was so incredibly happy and amazing.  I asked the midwife to show me the placenta after it was delivered and Lucy was curious to see it too as Enzo had so loved shoving his face into it.  Something interesting that she showed us as we examined it was that the cord wasn’t attached to the placenta smack in the middle like it usually is it was attached to the placenta near the edge of it right next to where the amniotic sac was attached.  We asked her if that was where the tear was that caused me to leak fluid but she said it was impossible to tell.  It was interesting to note though and may have been the reason since no other reason was found for it rupturing premature.  Enzo’s second apgar score was 9 also and then before I knew it the team wanted to take him to the NICU to get him on monitors to see his temp and start his antibiotic.    

I received one stitch for a small tear and was put back on a small dose of Pitocin to help contract the uterus and seal off some of those blood vessels.  My catheter was removed and then the epidural turned off.  Shortly the girl came to remove the epidural.  Then my IV line was removed and I went to the bathroom.  I was brought dinner and I was able to eat.  After that I was able to shower and we began to pack up.  Lucy and Ricky had been in the NICU most of the rest of the afternoon and eventually Ricky had to leave for the airport with Little Ricky and Auntie.  Lucy’s mom and dad had arrived and left to get dinner.  I was discharged and Lucy, The Husband, and I were able to go into the NICU to see Enzo (pictures of that in last post) and I cried at how little and perfect he looked (ironically right after Lucy commented on how big he was).  That was the smallest baby I had ever delivered.

When I started talking to him he opened his eyes and Lucy mentioned that he recognized my voice.  I write about that because I think if I were Lucy, that might have made me jealous but Lucy has never been that way with me.  I couldn’t tell you how many times she has expressed to me that she loves that there is another woman that her son is connected to.  This isn’t uncommon in surrogacy but it also isn’t the norm and I really feel so blessed to have the relationship with Lucy that I do.  We are Sister Moms.

After visiting Enzo it was time for us to leave and go home.  Lucy and I had joked all week that it felt like when this moment came it was going to feel like we were breaking up.  Lucy and I will be forever friends but our relationship was now shifting from what it had been to what it would be now and it was weird as we walked out the doors to know that that moment was now.  When The Husband and I finally left the hospital that night just six hours after delivering Enzo, we went grocery shopping at Publix.  

P.S.    Bump Fairy is in labor! Make sure to keep watch on her blog and her IM’s blog – My Surrogacy Adventure.  Thinking about you ladies!  

© Pocketbebe, 2010

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Saturday, Sept. 4

September 4, 2010 at 10:54 PM (Our Journey, Surrogate Education)

There were more contractions today with the pitocin but nothing significant enough to kick real labor into process.  The fact that they were more consistent shows that pitocin receptors are being put in place and now recognizing signals.  It was explained to me that  Enzo basically is in charge of the environment of the uterus and unless he gives signals to the cervix to thin and dilate it won’t, especially since we are at a gestation where the receptors haven’t been fully developed yet.  So, while it feels like a failed induction it really isn’t and at least there was some progress in the contracting patterns today.

Tomorrow there is a plan with different medicine to soften the cervix and a technique to thin it.

A day ago there was hope that the pitocin would just do the job because I have an experienced uterus.  The uterus wasn’t fooled into changing from the state it is actually supposed to be in and while that is frustrating, it is just going to take a little longer.  Hopefully tomorrow will be the day but if it isn’t, it is just another day of priming the cervix and we will be back to the pitocin drip for twelve hours on Monday. This will continue until Enzo comes or gives indication that he is no longer safe and needs to be removed in surgery. 

I think it is easy for some to say just have a c-section and be done with this.  First, I think America has way too lax of an attitude about surgery and the complications that can come with surgery.  Thankfully most OB doctors still view surgery as a last resort in most cases.  I didn’t get to choose whose care I was placed under here at the hospital but it is clear they don’t subscribe to elective c-sections and aren’t going to rush Enzo and I into anything that isn’t medically necessary.  Sure I would like this to be over with, Enzo in his mom and dad’s arms, me back home to my family but I’m not going to increase my risk unless Enzo is at risk, which at this time nothing indicates that he is.  I think we are doing a fine job of walking the line between being proactive and involved without creating unnecessary drama.  Even if this were my own baby I wouldn’t be signing myself up for a c-section and thankfully amidst nonprofessional pressure neither is Lucy urging me to.

Has being in the hospital this past week been hard? Yes.  It has been hard for both Lucy and I to be away from our kids and family. It is hard to keep work responsibilities running smooth when your limited to a certain location. It is hard to not be the one who takes care of the things you normally take care of.  It is hard to make decisions, critically think through things, and quickly educate yourself on your own situation.  It is hard to not have privacy. It is hard to be told when you can eat and not eat.  It isn’t the end of the world but it does emotionally get to me in my weak moments.  This is the time for me to practice what I preach and live out my faith; trust HIM with the details. I smile when I write that because my girlfriends do such a good job of reminding me of that and living it themselves daily.  I can’t wait to do two things with you ladies when Enzo arrives, go for drinks and worship with you.

I’m sleepy and my body tired from contracting today so I am off (ha ha, like I’m changing locations from where I’m at now) to bed.  Antibiotic IV at 2:00 am, monitoring and another antibiotic at 6, first cervix softening medication at 6:30.  Not sure if there will be an ultrasound to check the amniotic fluid tomorrow morning or not.  We shall see.

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La Fuente Rompío – The Fountain Has Broken.

September 2, 2010 at 6:37 PM (Our Journey, Surrogate Education)
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Tomorrow is 34 weeks (full term is 40) and this textbook baby carrying mama is having her first brush with prematurity.  At noon tomorrow Enzo will be encouraged with a pitocin drip to make his way out to greet his family.  

Sunday night I was helping my oldest daughter with her homework when out of the clear blue sky I felt a little gush.  I was shocked because I thought I had just peed in my pants and well, I haven’t done that in awhile.  I quickly resigned myself to the fact that while I’d kept the hemorrhoids and constipation at bay it was now my pregnancy lot to pee in my pants for the next seven weeks.  I changed, sat down, AND DID IT ALL OVER AGAIN!  Then HELLO! I realized I was continuously dripping out amniotic fluid and I felt the beginning of cramping that would soon lead to contracting.  Surro Grandma was called in and The Husband and I headed to the hospital while Lucy and Ricky headed north to meet us.

We picked between the two hospitals close to my house with a level 2 NICU and I was checked in and given a steroid injection for Enzo’s lungs though he was on the cusp of maybe not even needing it.  A little later I had an ultrasound and the fluid level was very good despite the leak.  We chose not to stop the contractions with medication.  I flipped on my side, they stopped on their own.

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and today I have been on hospital bed rest and Lucy has been pumping a bit earlier than expected to get her milk supply going. I have been receiving constant IV fluids, antibiotics because of the open rupture, and fetal monitoring.  I received the second and last dose of steroids 24 hours after the first dose.  I receive an ultrasound each morning to check the amniotic fluid levels and they have risen above what it was when I was first admitted by a little bit each day.  Enzo is utilizing the IV fluids to keep himself floating nice and safe.  They think Enzo may weigh around five pounds.  

The decision to induce labor has been made amongst many sets of different risks to both Enzo and I, and it is a decision that both Enzo’s family and I feel very good with.  We are excited about tomorrow.   

Bed rest has been nothing close to a spa vacation but here are some pictures of Lucy and I making the most of the days.

If you want to receive the up to the minute details on how things go tomorrow you need to make your way over to the tool bar and subscribe to the blog via your email.  Do this even if you already think you subscribe because I know most of my subscribers are on the old service and I know you don’t receive the new posts right away, sometimes it takes over 24 hours.  I know because I am subscribed through both the old and new service.  If you are already on the new service it will tell you and you have the advantage of seeing the posts the second I hit publish.  We will keep you updated!

Wish us luck, say some prayers, and keep on working those rosary beads Grammy C, “Holdernute, we’re headed for the rhubarb patch!”  

© Pocketbebe, 2010

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Baby Shower!

August 27, 2010 at 1:01 PM (Our Journey, Surrogate Education)
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Today is 33 weeks, 33 WEEKS! Where is the time going and how is it going entirely too fast and way slow at the same time?  There was a prenatal appointment on Wednesday and everything is looking great still.  I gained two pounds and am pushing 160 now for a total gain of 25 pounds.  Belly measured 31, Enzo is still head down, and his heartbeat was in the 140’s. 

At the 30 week appointment (3 entire weeks ago now) we did the short version (finger prick) of the glucose testing and everything was great there but it showed up that my iron levels were a tad low.  This happened at the end of my last pregnancy also but here is the cool thing, I didn’t get prescribed some honking nasty iron pill that would make me constipated.  Instead, I get to take a semi-nasty shot of Floradix Iron + Herbs Liquid Extract Formula twice a day.  It isn’t the best tasting thing on earth but it is non-constipating and full of lots of the B vitamins too.  I swear it actually makes me feel good and I’m thankful not to be contorting myself into goofy positions just to be able to take a poo at this point though that however may still be on the horizon.

This past weekend Lucy had her baby shower and Surro Friend and I trekked our pregnant bellies down to Miami to celebrate with Lucy.  It was kind-of a crazy trip down, I was using the Google directions application on my Blackberry and every time a text or email came in it made the instructions go wonky so we constantly had changing directions and needless to say we missed the fast route to Miami Beach and instead took a detour that felt like it lasted an eternity and was composed of nothing but potholes that killed our compressed bladders.  We got to our hotel and were informed that we were moved to the hotel next door because they over booked.  We ended up staying in a way nicer hotel, getting free breakfast buffet and free parking out of the deal which was great but in the meltdown that our afternoon was becoming it sure wasn’t convenient to have to go unload, check in next door, bring the car back for parking, and then walk back across the road again in what felt like 200 degree heat, plus spoiler alert nobody takes pity on two pregnant women in Miami.  People like to stare at you but that is about the extent of it.

We were twenty minutes late to dinner at Brio which had me stressing because I hate to be late in situations like that.  We did end up having a wonderful dinner with Lucy, Ricky, Little Ricky, Lucy’s parents, three aunties, a cousin, and Lucy’s friend A and her son who is the same age as Little Ricky (they were NICU buddies when they were born).  After dinner we headed to an ultrasound at a local birthing center and everyone got to see Enzo. 

There is not a time when Enzo doesn’t move around like crazy after I eat, EXCEPT when I am with his parents!!  Once again he was smashing his adorable little face into his placenta and hardly wanted to be bothered.  I was on my side, on my back, you name it; I could have been standing on my head and he probably wouldn’t have moved.  They got a few good shots though and here they are for you to see.

Surro friend and I were tired by the time we got back to the hotel but we didn’t get to bed for another hour because first we had demagnetized our room keys by placing them next to her phone in her purse and once we got that handled I realized I didn’t even have my phone which meant we needed to walk back next door to the other hotel, ask the valet to get our car, find the phone, and ask for it to be parked again before walking back past the creepy cab drivers hanging out on the corner between the hotels and being able to hit the hay.

Sunday morning, the day of Lucy’s shower, we ate our free breakfast and hit the pool to catch some sun and celebrate Surro Friend’s birthday.  We each had a virgin strawberry daiquiri and took a dip in the ocean before getting ready for the shower.

Lucy’s shower was thrown by her mom and friend A.  It was held at a Greek restaurant called, Thira.  It was really beautiful and they had everything set up so nice and decorated in blue.  Lucy and I both wore pink which I guess is a little odd since Enzo is a boy but the pink really popped against the blue decorations and I think we looked good.  When Lucy arrived everyone started clapping and I got a little teary because it was so awesome that Lucy got to have that moment and a baby shower.  When Little Ricky was born premature she didn’t get to have the traditional shower and I was just so happy that she was having that one.  I won’t lie either, it is pretty amazing to get to be the person who plays a big part in the whole shebang; it is something I will never forget.  She smiled and looked beautiful of course, glowing really.  Lucy has a great support system and everyone was so nice and wonderful, I loved them all.  Enzo is beyond loved as is his older brother.  We played a few games, listened to music, and Lucy opened her gifts and before we knew it we were back in the car and headed north.

It was really a fun 24 + hours even though it was a whirlwind and it took me two days to recover from it.  I promise to write sooner than later, did I mention that I have a child who is in middle school now?  At any rate, I’m just trying to survive her schedule and believe me, I’d rather be writing sometimes instead of trying to keep it all straight.

© Pocketbebe, 2010

2 Comments

Co-Birth

August 5, 2010 at 7:38 AM (Our Journey, Surrogate Education)
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I’ve been awake since 4 am, wide awake.  Nobody talks about this very often and it goes beyond the bladder being flattened out by baby and having to constantly go to the bathroom.  Sometimes I will be fully awake and alert during the middle of the night at the end of a pregnancy and I think it is another way the body prepares a person for needing to be awake during the night after delivery to take care of baby.  I wish there was some sort of factory setting button that I could switch off to let my body know, “Hey body, surrogacy in progress here, no need to prepare me for the lack of sleep because once baby vacates you we will actually get to sleep a lot.  Capish?”

I know I just posted yesterday but I will be leaving this afternoon for a convention and when I return school will start for the kids and then we will have our 30 week prenatal appointment and this post would get put off in lieu of telling you what happened at the appointment, etc., etc., etc.

This post is a follow-up post to Birthing 101 where I detailed what The Husband and I learned in birthing class and I how I turn into a crotchety witch who is very demanding of her husband when in labor.  Now, that is just the first layer, let’s talk about the second layer…the co-birth.

Let me set the stage for a second. If all goes properly planned as we all hope it does, at the birthing center in the birthing room on the day of delivery will be me, The Husband, Lucy, Ricky, our midwife, the birthing assistant, and the photographer who is taking the combined pregnancy, delivery, and newborn photos for Lucy.  I’m not sure if Lucy and Ricky will have any of their other family at the center waiting to meet Enzo or not but I don’t think any of my family will meet him until we have all been released from the birthing center.  My only hope post delivery is that it works out to get my kids down to the Tampa area to visually see Enzo and meet him before the Ricardo’s head back to Miami; kind-of that full circle moment. 

Now, back to the concept of going through labor and delivery of someone else’s child and having a co-birth.  This is something none of us have ever done.  My primary support will be my husband because he is what I know and he has always been the person, beyond my mom, since meeting him in the second grade that has always been around and willing to deal with all my crap. Oh yeah, we’ve also done this together several other times.  Last time when we had our daughter I wouldn’t even let him drop me off while he parked the car out of fear I’d be separated from him for a single second while in pain.  That fear itself is interesting to me as in our typical day to day lives we are both highly independent.   New to the equation will be full on participation by Lucy in whatever way makes her comfortable.  I only say Lucy because even though Ricky will be there too, I don’t see him fully engaged in putting ice chips in my mouth or anything like that.  Crazier things have happened in emotionally charged moments though and if he willingly jumps in during a time of my instability due to pain, more power to him.

Does co-birthing this baby make me uncomfortable, yes and no.  Yes, only in the sense that I am a high control person and I have to be willing to “let go” in front of Lucy and Ricky in order to get their baby here.  Labor and delivery is hard work, it is messy, facial expressions, body parts, and all of that are kind-of distorted and ugly; I’m in survival mode period.  My personality can get (more) ugly, I get cross at my husband the F- word could escape.  I used it so liberally during the delivery of daughter number two that my mom was trying to cover up my mouth in embarrassment while I was in the middle of pushing. I don’t necessarily like the idea of having poor Enzo’s parents witness any of that but they can’t not be there either this is their son’s birth. It is something I can’t let bother me because in the end if I tried to perform or be a certain way during the delivery it just wouldn’t be real or right.  Plus, with everything else going on, I just wouldn’t have the energy.

 If I had my way I’d be one of those women you see on the Discovery Health channel sitting in the birthing pool cool, calm, and collected opening her eyes wide with excitement saying in a soft whisper, “The baby is crowning, please get ready to catch him. I’m going to give one good push and then he will be here.”  It’s a lofty goal but the reality is that it is one I doubt I reach this time around, I know myself better than that.  Let’s just assume the pictures the photographer will capture will be interesting to say the least.

So, we need to talk more with our midwife but as I’ve mentioned before I’d like to experience a water birth if possible.  If that gets to be the case when Enzo arrives we are assuming that instead of putting him on me that Lucy will be right there to put him on her chest. I’m thinking we need to get her some scrubs for the occasion with Easy Bake or Dairy Maid embroidered on them.  I’m not sure how fast they will clamp and cut the cord because Lucy and Ricky are wanting to bank and store the cord blood.  At whatever point he is detached from me I believe that Lucy and Ricky and their birthing assistant will go into the suite next to mine that they have reserved to assess Enzo (I know that the pediatrician in Lucy will have already assessed him from head to toe the minute he arrives), clean him up, and begin nursing and bonding with their new baby.  I imagine I will be in my room finishing up delivering the placenta, getting stitched up if necessary, and getting myself generally put back together.  The Husband will be happy to fully have his wife back very shortly but sad at having to share again with me any designated driver duties. I’ve mentioned the wine right? I wonder if they would let me bring in a margarita maker?  Just kidding.  The onset of feel good hormones will rush in after the delivery (the ones that make you not hate your baby for the pain they just put you through) and those feel good hormones in my case will be directed at the happiness of just completing the climb, seeing the Ricardo family with their new little boy, and the feeling of pride for what I was able to do for someone else. 

I know that it isn’t easy for anyone that hasn’t been a gestational surrogate to truly believe that last sentence and I will do my best to try to explain in a future blog post (probably after delivery because you won’t believe me now anyway) why I won’t turn to a puddle of mush or find myself committed to the psych ward after this is all said and done.  For now, really try to understand that I can really care about someone/something but not want it to belong to me.

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Birthing 101

August 4, 2010 at 2:33 PM (Our Journey, Surrogate Education)
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Enzo’s Blog:

Enzo is 29 weeks this week and we are on our way to 30 as of Friday.  On Friday we will only have 10 more weeks until a fully cooked baby, though it is generally safe for him to arrive anytime between 37 and 42 weeks.  Lord, help us that he arrives before or at the latest, only a few days after 40 weeks.

Enzo’s muscles, lungs, and brain are developing rapidly and Enzo is building those brain bridges by taking the majority of my stores of DHA now to make him smart.  Great, right?  More pregnancy stupids than usual for me.  I’m suprised I can even remember my own name at this point.  Calcium is very important at this stage in the pregnancy as about 250 milligrams are being deposited into his hardening skeleton each day.

Enzo is very active and I don’t have to worry too much about doing kick counts for him because he will move around constantly for about 30 minutes each time I start eating a meal or by ten minutes after I finish. 

I am carrying Enzo different than I’ve carried my girls up to this point.  He seems pretty high and I don’t seem as big around yet as I was with them.  I know a lot of the weight has filled up empty pockets on my thighs and butt as it is attractively puckering like an orange peel.  The belly button is half way on its way to being all the way out but otherwise like with the girls I’ve been blessed with a stretch mark free, rounded belly that will look nice for Lucy and Ricky’s pregnancy memory photos.

Last time we were at our appointment the midwife said Enzo was already lounging with his head down and that statistically they will generally stay that way.  Babies get their own ideas and tend to do what they want but it is good news should he continue to stay that way and I am doing my part by avoiding the recliner (which prompts a lot of babies to flip breech) and by cashing in on my helpful habit of always wanting to be on my left side.  Stay Enzo, stay.

My Time:

Just so I can put an end to the complaining about my eye and you can all be happy that I will now shut-up, let me fill you in on the last development.  It only took one day for there to be a cancellation at the dermatologist, either that or the lady knew I wouldn’t let up until they closed their doors after the last appointment on Friday afternoon.  I was able to see an actual doctor this time and he used the method Lucy had told me they should use before I even went the first time.  I didn’t have to pay for the return visit but I did get to pay for pathology again which is annoying in a way because pathology was already being run on the first half of the SAME specimen.   Whatever, I know it is policy but ugh… Anyway, right away I could tell it had at least been removed and unless the hormones get involved, shouldn’t be a problem.  Afterwards it looked like a cigarette was put out in my eyebrow but this time the healing is much better than I expected.  I am now a happy camper and at least one silver lining to this whole headache is that in being self employed we can deduct medical expense.

So, I still wanted to go over the birthing class we had to take and that was put on by June from Happy Birth Way.  Like I mentioned before, I was hoping for a special couple to stick out that I could entertain you with snarky stories about but that was not the case.  We had a really cool group of people attend our class and it was very much enjoyable.  In a way it was a neat do-over for The Husband and I because we hadn’t taken a birthing class since I was 20 and he was 22 and during that class our mentality was like, “Dude, just tell us what we need to know about the drugs, we plan on going that route and you can forget about anything latching onto my/her boob so we don’t need to know about that nonsense either.”  Obviously, we’ve come a long way in eleven years and breastfeeding along with natural labor progressed with two children after that by trial and error and by becoming self aware.  I think The Husband and I make a great labor team but attending the class and having June put words to the things we’d instinctively picked up along the way was very helpful and made me feel even more confident that we are going to rock this labor out with Enzo and get him into Lucy and Ricky’s arms in the most healthy way possible for all of us.

Here in no specific order are some of the notes I made while there:

1.  What do we know about labor pain?

P: It peaks and it is predictable.

A: It is there to get attention and to help as a guide through the labor stages.

I:  Intuitive, which means that a woman tends to tune into her instinctive wisdom that is already there during the pain of labor. 

N: It is normal!

2. Two assets women have in labor is breathing and mobility.

Breathing deeply is the link between the mind and the body.  It tells our pituitary gland to release calming hormones and not adrenaline.  Fight and flight response with the release of adrenaline is not going to get us anywhere good during labor.  Don’t waste energy on tensing.  The quote by some famous midwife that made us laugh was, “A tight tensed face, jaw, and body makes a tight tense cervix.”

Lips parted and making an ahh, ooo sound or even moo at the end of a contraction helps stay relaxed and can even make a laugh when in great pain which releases the feel good hormones.

Mobility is just having the ability to move around and follow the body’s instincts with the use of gravity to help baby progress through the phases it needs to.  Having mobility helps labor progress faster in most cases.

3. Rehydrate: take a sip after every contraction and pee every hour. At the hospital they will put an IV in so this may be a mute point for hospital births but it is necessary to keep fluids moving as the amniotic fluid is still flushing out and replenishing itself in the womb through the end of labor.

4. I learned there is a contraction application for cell phones to time the contractions for you which will come in so handy as I am usually the one who has to keep track of my own contractions while The Husband is driving.  Yeah baby on technology to that one!

We talked about partner and family support and since I’ve been through labor a few times I can generally estimate how I will be though birthing at the birthing center will provide me with many new opportunities this time around.

  1. I don’t like a lot of chatting of the people around me.  Side noise like music or some television shows aren’t distracting but cell phones ringing, vibrating, whatnot tends to bug me.  I get total sensory overload during birth and I’d like the lights to be dimmed even though most of the time I seem to have my face or eyes covered.  I totally believe in the 3 year-old mentality of, “If I can’t see you, you can’t see me”, move.  Remember Office Space and the “O Face” scene? Yeah, there is a version of that for laboring women and I don’t like it.  If my eyes are open I am usually in a dead stare at the Dallas Cowboy’s star that generally graces most my husband’s shirts.  Cowboy’s apparel has been requested at the last two birthing experiences.  I am sure Enzo’s birth won’t be an exception.
  2. The Husband has to have all attention on me and my needs unless I say it is ok that he doesn’t.
  3. Nobody can eat in front of me unless I am also eating the same thing.  Some smells are just too much and throwing up while also having a contraction is somewhat akin to throwing up and having diarrhea at the same time, not awesome..  Also, someone else’s chewing sounds are annoying.
  4. Praise.  By transition phase it is natural for the birthing person to lose a little bit of faith in themselves as labor becomes very intensive, I need a lot of praise at this time to be energized to keep going.
  5. Strength and endurance.  Pure strength from my husband to literally hold me up, provide counter pressure, reminders of what PAIN stands for, options in positions and consistent understanding when the “reasoning” side of my brain shuts down and gives over to the primal. 

 Besides some of the things I listed above I did leave class with two of my own theories that I’ve come to out of my own observations. One, I think men who tend to be a bit overweight but have wives that aren’t, generally show more affection in public (it probably works both ways) than other people naturally do and that you have to be anything BUT savory looking in appearance to be a birthing parent for a training video (if you’re a midwife in a birth training video you need to have, at least, a 3 inch minimum length of armpit hair visible to the viewing audience. Bonus points if it is braided).  I’m just sayin’….

© Pocketbebe, 2010

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“Eye” Opening Developments

July 19, 2010 at 8:35 PM (Our Journey, Surrogate Education)
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Thanks to Cousin Carrie who “got” the impressiveness of Maya’s photo shoot, probably my sister-in-law too.  If Dooce ever does a contest I am on top of it, I’m certain the prize would be an Apple iPad and I would be thrilled about it, unlike Tosh. He he he (seen that episode)? 

Enzo’s Blog:

So, Enzo is 27 weeks gestation this week.  Babycenter.com says that this week Enzo weighs almost 2 pounds (like a head of cauliflower) and is about 14 1/2 inches long with his legs extended.  Funny, because at the ultrasound during week 24 the ultrasound tech said from his experiences he thought Enzo weighed two pounds then.  I think he is full of bologna and I think Lucy even said that a two pound weight would be impressive since when Little Ricky arrived four weeks later, at 28 weeks, he weighed in right at two pounds. 

Sidebar: Just FYI, according to The Guide to a Healthy Birth, estimating the size of a baby especially at the end of a pregnancy is an incredibly imprecise science.   Studies have shown that ultrasounds, a medical provider’s estimate, and even the mother’s own estimates are about equivalent in guessing the size of a baby in a healthy mother. It further goes on to state that a baby’s size is never a valid reason to induce a woman’s labor and that any medical provider who suggests it is not practicing according to the standards of their own profession.   

Enzo is supposed to be sleeping and waking at regular intervals, opening and closing his eyes, and perhaps even sucking his fingers (or the placenta in Enzo’s case). Brain tissue is developing and Enzo’s brain is very active now. While his lungs are still immature, they would be capable of functioning — with a lot of medical help — if he were to be born now. I’m supposed to chalk up any tiny rhythmic movements I may be feeling to a case of baby hiccups, which may be common from now on.  I had to laugh while reading that because it was only a few nights ago that I woke up around 4:30 am to go the bathroom and when I lay back down I felt Enzo have the hiccups for the first time. Lucy is on a work week and I knew she would be awake so I texted her about this new development because it is always exciting to have something new to report to Baby Mama.

At this point in Lucy’s pregnancy with Little Ricky (which is to the day exactly the same as this pregnancy remember because we both had embryo transfers on Jan. 27th) she had already been battling preeclampsia for a week and popping high blood pressure medicine like candy.  I am so thankful that God is allowing Enzo to develop right on schedule and without these complications.  Having a surrogate can be tough for intended parents, especially moms, they give up a lot letting other people carry their babies through gestation and while I can’t fully understand that since I have not been in that position, I know that Lucy is relieved to be living through last week and the next few weeks with a lot less stress this time around. A big thanks to God for giving her this gift because even with surrogates who have awesome track records, anything is possible.

My Time:

In 2001 I had my eyebrows waxed (just days prior to my wedding I might add) and in part of my eyebrow I developed a stork bite, also called nevus simplex that happens from a stretching (dilation) of certain blood vessels.  In the stork bite state it was only noticeable when I wasn’t wearing make-up and even then most people never even noticed it and I went through two pregnancies without it being affected.  This past May, for the first time since the 2001 episode, I let someone else wax my eyebrows and of course since I didn’t give super precise instructions to not alter my shape the gal waxed over the stork bite retraumatizing the small blood vessels. Add in a combination of increased blood volume from being pregnant and all the hormones on the loose my little stork bite changed into a hemangioma with active cell dividing activity. In short, it was no longer flat and hidden with make-up it was a shiny, growing, “red hot” looking zit in my eyebrow that The Husband swears was getting bigger by the day.  He totally enjoyed having something to pick on me for. Well, today all my girls and I went to the dermatologist to have it removed.  After a numbing injection, a slice, and some cauterizing I was patched up and ready to go.  My kids were grossed out and scared by the injection in the eye (umm..try like over 40 injections in the hip daily for IVF) and the smell that comes from the cauterizing.  I made sure to let them know how good of a patient I was and that I should be their example for every future doctor or dentist visit.    So, now as I blog to you my left eye is throbbing a bit and I was told I might develop a black eye before a black scab develops and I get my scar of honor. My grandma always did say that women must suffer to be beautiful (usually said when she was rolling my hair into perm rods as a child).

What I was supposed to blog on this time for you was my adventure in birthing class but that would require me to get out my notes and with the throbbing eye and all, that isn’t possible at the moment.  It will have to wait until the next post.  I will let you know that we did up having a fantastic day despite the letdown in not having my own Vodka/Sex class member to blog about like my Cousin Carrie did.  Our class was pretty awesome along with the hip and fun instructor June Connell.  I highly recommend that if you want to take a Natural Childbirth Class and you live near the Tampa area (or at least in the general region) that you go to one of June’s classes.  Her website is pretty cool also and contains a lot of information along with some unique products you can order if wanted.

I’m off to eat dinner which in turn will kick Enzo into his salsa dancing exercises for the night and then off to bed for some of that much needed beauty sleep that maybe will keep the black eye at bay.

Buenas noches!

© Pocketbebe, 2010

3 Comments

Cha..Cha..Cha..Changes

June 30, 2010 at 5:03 PM (Our Journey, Surrogate Education)
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Enzo’s Blog:

First things first, there has been some confusion on Bebe’s name.  Yes, Enzo is the real name of this growing baby boy and the only one on this blog that IS real.  Why not just use our real names?  The internet can be a crazy place people, point blank….

Enzo is 24 weeks gestation and will be 25 on Friday.  We had a prenatal appointment on Monday and everything is still looking great.  At the birthing center I weighed in at 151.6 pounds.  I started the pregnancy at 135.  I ended my last pregnancy 4 years ago at 155 pounds and I will obviously pass my highest weight ever with this pregnancy.  I am thinking (and hoping) that I will end in the lower 160’s.  My belly measured exactly 24 which is spot on at 24 weeks.  It is in the last 4 weeks or so of pregnancy that the measurement won’t match the week of gestation.  Enzo’s heartbeat sounded good and he even punched or kicked the Doppler during our listen.  Lucy and the midwife talked about Lucy’s progress with preparing to breastfeed Enzo when he is born which is truly fascinating to me.  One minute the midwife is giving advice and tips to Lucy for obtaining the best milk production possible and then the next minute she is giving me tips on how I can end my milk production as fast as possible.  I know it sounds silly but I am truly excited about drinking a glass of celebration wine the day he is actually born!  It is fantastic to me that I can deliver a baby and NOT have to take care of it OR feed it.  I also don’t have to experience the brutal after contractions when the baby nurses!  That was always the worst feeling for me, the sensation of a baby sucking my uterus straight up and out of my breast, sometimes making me throw up in the process.  If you haven’t had more than one kid, you probably don’t know what I’m talking about as it gets worse and worse with each pregnancy and that is when you feel this not so awesome phenomenon; worse than experiencing the “ring of fire” in my opinion.

After our prenatal appointment we went for an elective 3D ultrasound.  Oh my goodness, Enzo looks totally different! He is a little chunky monkey now compared to before.

 

                

16 Weeks

24 Weeks

Enzo loves his placenta and stuck to it like a snuggly blanket.  At one point he was literally rubbing his face and nose on it like he was in total admiration.  He did not want to leave his companion to come out for many good shots but here are a few more.  Sometimes it is hard to tell Enzo from the placenta but I’ll try to give you hints.

Enzo’s face is on the far right as you look at the picture, you see his chest extend down from his face, with his thigh and knee directly below the mass of the placenta .  You can see the embilical cord run up the length of his thigh from his belly and how it is attached to the placenta and how the cord is wrapping itself around the placenta.

Enzo’s face was visable right before this picture was taken.  He quickly drew his arm up and covered his eye with his hand.  He is pressing his face into the placenta.

Enzo’s brain is growing quickly now, and his taste buds are continuing to develop. His lungs are developing “branches” of the respiratory “tree” as well as cells that produce surfactant, a substance that will help his air sacs inflate once he hits the outside world. His skin is still thin and translucent, but that will start to change soon.  This week marked the “age of viability” which means that should something happen prematurely and Enzo vacated my belly, he would have a fighting chance at survival.

My Time:

So, what is on the horizon?  Well, as of Friday, only 15 more weeks will remain to a full term pregnancy.  We will have the next prenatal appointment at the end of July in four weeks.  After that I will start to be seen biweekly, then weekly.  I will do the sugar glucose testing after the next appointment to test for gestational diabetes.  I will attend the “how to deliver a baby at a birthing center” class with The Husband.  Lucy will have her baby shower in August.  Professional pregnancy photos will be taken in September and baby Enzo will be born in the middle of October, October 10th if Lucy gets her wish.

Here is my newest, most favorite t-shirt from Lucy.  Don’t you just love it!

During the ultrasound as mentioned above we got some very good looks at the placenta and the tech made the comment that the area where the placenta was attached would be good to buffer any back labor pain should that happen during labor.  Back labor generally happens when a baby is in the posterior position during labor.  Posterior babies are head down like they are supposed to be but they are looking at the abdomen with the back of their heads facing the mother’s back and tailbone, thus generally causing extreme back pain.  Most times babies who are posterior facing will turn before the delivery and if they don’t they arrive “sunny-side up” looking directly at the sky.  Sunny-side up babies occur more often than not in a mother’s first delivery. 

Such was the case with my first daughter.  How unfair is it that the first time you experience the pain of labor you’re more likely to get dealt the blow of back labor on top of it?  Pretty sucky.  Needless to say, at that time I had no intentions of not having an epidural and had I not, I’m not sure if I’d have had any more children or even wanted to be a surrogate.  For everything there is a reason…

Still to this day, I can remember the pain of back labor.  The pain felt during labor is a referred pain, meaning the originating site is the uterus but the actual pain is felt in the abdomen, back, and/or upper thighs.  I remember the labor and delivery nurses wanting me to walk the halls and me wanting to rip their heads off at the suggestion because every time I had a contraction with my sunny-side up baby it felt like she was trying to be delivered through the path of my right thigh and out through my foot.  So each contraction it felt like my belly was being squeezed in a vice, my back was breaking, and fire was shooting down my leg.

My next two labors produced babies that were facing in the normal direction (face down) and thank God because for birth number two, I had the nurse who thought she knew all there was to know about everything and even though I wanted an epidural I was forced to go natural after she didn’t notify the on call anesthesiologist in enough time (that is also a small town hospital for you). Birth number three I hardly made it to the much bigger and better hospital and knew in the parking lot that it was too late for pain medication because I was already in transition. Because of those two labors I got over the fear of the pain and the more educated I became on the labor process the more bearable the pain became.

So to wrap up this very long story, it was pleasing to me to hear that my placenta would provide a good buffer if Enzo decides to go most of the labor facing up because it is a little scary to think of going through back labor in a birthing center setting without the option of drugs.  Either way, I will cope and deal as I have much more faith in myself now than I did back then but every little bit helps.

I end this blog post today on a Twi-high as I just saw Eclipse this morning and thought it was the best one yet.  I loved how they presented deviation from the books in this one but not much if you had read The Second Short Life of Bree Tanner prior to seeing Eclipse.  I read that Twilight fans will now have to wait until November 2011 to see the first of the two installments of Breaking Dawn to hit the big screen.  That is way too long friends, way too long. 

© Pocketbebe, 2010

2 Comments

Belly Enticement

June 16, 2010 at 1:49 PM (Our Journey, Surrogate Education)
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Enzo’s Blog:

Enzo is currently 22 weeks gestation and will be 23 weeks on Friday.  He should be measuring around 11 inches long and weigh almost 1 pound.  He should look like a miniature newborn in appearance with his lips, eyelids, and eyebrows becoming more distinct. His eyes have formed, but his irises lack pigment still and his tooth buds are forming. Lanugo hair that covers his body is developing and the deep wrinkles on his skin will start to lessen as he puts on fat to fill them in.  His pancreas, which is essential for the production of some important hormones, is developing steadily inside his little baby tummy.  If we were able to gain a peak at Enzo this week he’d look something like this.

 Enzo is mostly active in the early morning and seems to do quite a bit of rolling, punching, and kicking during that time.  I think he sleeps most of the day as I am moving around nonstop.  In the evenings I will feel him here and there, a lot of times while I am eating dinner.  The other night I was sitting on the end of the couch where our dog, Maya, generally likes to sleep so I think in effort to get me to move she was practically sitting on my lap and had her head rested on the side of my belly.  Enzo started his kicking and punching moves right by her head and every now and again she’d raise her head and look at me like, “What the heck is going on?”  I eventually moved because I got hot but it was the first time I noticed that Enzo’s kicks could be felt externally and that if strong enough they were actually visible too.  It will be neat for the Ricardo’s the next time I see them to feel their baby boy moving around.

My Time:

Well, I’ve been back to the real world since returning home from vacation and The Husband is back to work (meaning long stretches of time where I am solely responsible for all or at least two of our children for many, many, many hours on end) and I yet again remember what a “catch 22” summer really is.  It is so nice to be free of the school drive, homework and projects that always seem to loom ahead of us each week, and all the pressures and stress that come with those activities, BUT, that small taste of freedom comes at the cost of losing any and all alone time that during the past school year I managed to pull off for twelve hours a week while the youngest went to preschool.  Summer comes with trying to do work for the business with my kids underfoot, camp drop-offs and camp pick-ups, lots of “I’m thirsty”, “I’m hungry”, “She’s touching me”, “I need a band-aid”, or “She hit (also interchangeable with bit) me’s”, that send me over the edge.  I am an introvert (a person who is energized by being alone and whose energy is drained by being continuously around other people) and my lovely amazing children that I love beyond words can suck that energy out of me faster than the Florida heat ever could.  I do get out with the ladies on Wednesday evenings and my mom helps by taking one or all of the kids so I can grocery shop or do bank runs alone but what I really miss during summer is the quiet time that I like to spend alone in my own head.  I know the introverts at heart out there are nodding their heads as they read this, it is how we recharge.  So, while I am enjoying the summer, at the same time I am also coping with the adjustment of a different schedule and falling behind in work in the process.

To go back to the new developments with Enzo’s gymnastics, I think we should discuss the “lure of the belly” and I don’t mean in the weird Aunt Bernie lifting your shirt up for a quick look-see or when arbitrary strangers sidle up for an unwelcome grope of the baby bulge kind of way.  I want to talk about the, “I can’t help but rub and touch my own belly, CONSTANTLY,” kind of way.  For me, even with my own pregnancies, it wasn’t so much a maternal protection/attachment instinct type of action more than it was other things.  Sometimes there are reasons, I will mention a few of them below in a second, but most of the times I just do it because it is there and I can.  Sort of like those “hair twirlers” out there, the ones who randomly grab a strand of their hair and twirl it for no apparent reason. It is like that, but without the knotted tangled mess when it is all said and done.  ***Real quick, I promise not to digress more than a second here, but speaking of hair…Did you know that your hair gets thicker and more full during pregnancy not because suddenly more hair follicles have developed on your head and you sprouted more hair but because as our body systems adjust their priorities to the growing baby it slows the shedding process down and we don’t lose our hair at its normal current rate?  Kind-of interesting, but still bizarre because NEW hair BEGINS to grow on other body parts during pregnancy and I swear growth accelerates in others.  At any rate, back to the subject at hand, a few reasons why I touch my own growing belly at such a high frequency.

  1. It is hot and maybe, just maybe if I touch it the skies will part and a miracle of God will cool it off.
  2. My skin is stretching and it itches like a __________________ (fill in the blank).
  3. I’m letting you off the hook by letting you know that I am pregnant so you can quit looking at me weird because you wonder if I am just getting fat.
  4. I’m opening an invitation to address your confusion because you think I’m pregnant but you remember when The Husband and I excitedly celebrated his vasectomy a few years back.  You can’t visibly see me sporting a vibrant letter “A” on my chest, so what gives?
  5. I know you know that I am doing a surrogacy and it is ok to talk to me about it.
  6. I just don’t know what else to do with my hands at the moment so why not rest them on this convenient little shelf.
  7. It feels like the baby has fashioned some sort of shiv in there and is trying to make a break for it. I’m just pressing her/him back into place until he/she has served the required time.
  8. Sometimes it hurts as the ligaments stretch and/or as baby practices its karate skills.
  9. At the end of the pregnancy the baby is heavy and feels like it could just fall right out the hatch at any moment.  It feels good to offer some support and it helps eliminate that gawd awful waddle we tend to do.
  10. Also at the end of a pregnancy, I touch my belly for depth perception.  It is hard to tell or remember just how big the thing is.  It is not cool or socially acceptable to ram your belly into someone out in public or burn it on a heated stove as you reach up into the microwave that sits above it.
  11. Pregnancy is an awesome experience and whether I carry a baby of my own or a baby for someone else, the belly reminds me of the magnitude of the miracle that we call LIFE.

© Pocketbebe, 2010

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