I decided to become a surrogate and then was like, “Um…how exactly do I do that?” I sent an email to two ladies in my family and told them if they ever needed me to be a surrogate for them I would. They laughed, probably rolled their eyes while still questioning what numbers I’d potentially blow on a breathalyzer, and went about their business. It was clear that I most likely would end up carrying for someone I had yet to meet. So, how would I meet that someone?
There are three venues for searching for a surrogacy match. There are agencies that provide potential parents, surrogates, and egg donors with matching services. There are also Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART) lawyers who essentially do the same thing; both Lucy and I have lawyers who specialize in ART, but they didn’t assist us in matching. And, lastly there is independent surrogacy in which both parties search for each other privately and effect any necessary legal and medical matters themselves.
I began my search by looking into agencies. I thought this would be safer and thought I would be better protected by the expertise of an agency (this is not always true though, so one must do research and be informed when making their decisions). I began searching for large agencies that had been in business for a long time and which seemed to have a good reputation. I filled out approximately seven applications with various agencies and lawyers. The applications are really, really, really long and filling them out is time consuming and tedious. The only good thing about filling out the same questions over and over again was that it provided me with clarity on exactly how I felt about every part of the process.
Once completing all the applications and submitting them, I thought I was well on my way to finding a match. One agency never responded to my application. A second agency said they would contact me after I passed my background check but they never called me back and ignored my follow-up emails. I’m not sure what happened there as I have passed federal background checks and finger printing for the kids’ school and state checks for a ward of the state to be able to stay in our home. Unless my ticket for going seven miles over the speed limit in a school zone ten years ago disqualified me from carrying someone else’s baby, I don’t know what to say. Anyway, I was cleared with the rest of the agencies and they added me to their database where I was left to wait. One nice lady from an agency was bold enough to tell me that I should consider going independent because of my pro-life stance. She informed me that most intended parents wanted a surrogate that would concede to abortion and selective reduction per their instruction and that I would have a difficult time being matched. I was temporarily shocked and devastated.
I then started navigating my way around independent surrogate sites to determine how I could meet the couple of my dreams. Going independent, not unlike working with an agency, has its ups and downs. On the plus side, you have substantially more control over how much presence you have and you can converse directly with surrogate searching couples. The downside is that it puts time consuming work in your own lap, especially work on the computer. Finding a surrogacy match is probably similar to online dating except conversation topics discussed at length are:
1. Proximity to each other
2. What kind of health insurance you carry and if it has surrogate exclusions
3. Willingness to abort a baby
4. Whom you are willing to carry for (traditional couples, same sex couples, single people, etc.)
5. Reproductive histories and medical histories
6. What kind of surrogate you are and what kind of surrogacy you are doing (GS, TS, altruistic, reimbursed)
7. Timing
There are several ways independent surrogate websites generally work. One site had me create a profile similar to one that would be found on a dating service, although I didn’t feel comfortable at this stage using my real name or giving identifying information. The other surrogate sites that I used allowed both intended parents and surrogates to search and place ads similar to an ad you would place in a local newspaper. Once the ads were in place, emails would start to trickle in and then I began the job of sorting through them all. It was overwhelming talking to so many people at once and again having to repeat answers to the same questions over and over again – time consuming and tedious.
I decided to build a website to which I could direct potential parents. The creation of my own website allowed intended parents to get an in depth view of who I was, what my family was like, and what I stood for. On the site I expressed my desire to be a gestational surrogate, the hopes for a Christian couple, and the unwillingness to terminate or reduce a pregnancy. If they liked what they saw, they could then contact me and we could go from there having already covered most the ground with which I was concerned. Having the website allowed me to clearly express what I was looking for and it protected me from the rejection emails that I was beginning to experience from couples either because I don’t eat totally organic, that I’m white, that I believe in Jesus, that I was a first time surrogate, that I didn’t have maternity coverage on my insurance policy, etc. During the surrogate dating process a person must not allow the seeking IP’s to diminish any self-worth just because their opinions may be different than yours. Hold out for the right match and don’t settle!
Not long after my site was up and running and the ads were directing potential parents to it, I got an email from Lucy:
Nov. 13, 2008. It read, “Wow- your website was great! So organized and well thought out. What are your timing plans? When are you looking to become a surrogate?”
The emails that followed that response were almost daily and sometimes contained so much information, they rivaled a novel. The information Lucy and I shared was very personal and I think we both sensed almost right away that both our hearts and intentions were genuine. I appreciated that we were both self aware, organized, authentic about life’s experiences, in possession of a sense of humor (this is too hard a process to do without one), loyal, and God loving women. One thing that attracted me to Lucy was the fact that she had carried a baby herself. Even though the gestation had been cut short, she herself had experienced pregnancy and had walked in the shoes I would walk throughout the IVF procedure. Lucy wasn’t stuck in an emotional place of desperation or bitterness like some IP’s longing for their first child; she had fully come to terms with what it would be like for another person to carry her baby.
By the end of November I wrote, “I would love to be your surrogate, but I’m sure that is easier to say on my part than it is on yours. I don’t know what all this is like from your position or situation, so whatever you need from me just ask.”
The first days of December Lucy wrote, “I am feeling great about the surrogate plans- I think we would be a great match. Since emailing with you I have a sense of peace.”
I also shared in Lucy’s sense of peace and it felt similar to the peace I had when I knew The Husband was meant to be my other half in marriage. I felt that Lucy and Ricky were indeed my perfect surrogacy match. During this whole time I had been praying and asking for guidance and blessing from God on this journey; I had hoped God would make my match clear to me. I always joked to my surrogate friend that my perfect match wouldn’t be as obvious as her and her IM’s had been – they both shared the exact same name and exact same occupation. My occupation, well, is unique and my first name isn’t very common either, in fact is it so uncommon that people often question whether or not I make a mistake when spelling it. Imagine my surprise, after we’d already committed to each other, when Lucy told me:
“When I lived in TN the neighbors behind us had five teenage kids and they kind-of adopted us. The girls used to babysit me and the parents, JW and Granny (MY REAL NAME) used to take me everywhere. That’s why when I found out your name, it was kind of special.”
I collected my jaw off the ground, passed go, and never looked back. Neither Lucy nor I believe in coincidence. Surrogacy dating had come to an end.
© Pocketbebe, 2009.
