Perseverance through five IVF cycles isn’t for the faint-of-heart; neither is being diagnosed with an auto-immune disease when you are nineteen. Having a mixed connective tissue disease that has components of lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, and scleroderma isn’t always easy, but the proverbial cup is always more than half full. With hearts filled with faith, God blessed us during our fifth IVF attempt with a beautiful viable pregnancy; I was over the moon, beyond ecstatic to be carrying Little Ricky.
Delivering at 28 weeks gestation, however, had not been on my to-do list just like my developing pre-eclampsia and almost dying hadn’t been on Ricky’s. I shudder to think what my death at that time would have done to Ricky had God not been gracious enough to save both the baby and me. As scary as it all was, even as I lay in the hospital bed prior to discharge, I refused to even consider that we (specifically me) would not try to carry another baby again in the future. Lacking in appropriate bedside manner training, I had a nurse who suggested that Ricky and I should use a surrogate the next time. This memory is distinct because I vividly remember wanting to smack her and ask her if she was on crack; no one was going to carry my babies but me! I wanted to be the one to sustain the developing life of our children, feel them move inside me, and eventually wear the closetful of cute maternity clothing I’d purchased but had never even gotten big enough to wear.
My perspective slowly began to change during our three-month stay at the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). These days were full of immeasurable hope and sometimes, soul crushing turn of events. Little Ricky was born at 28 weeks on July 25, 2007 and some of the journal entries from the following days read as follows:
Aug. 15, 2007
Little Ricky is still on CPAP- continuous positive airway pressure. This means that there are little prongs stuck into his nostrils blowing air in helping him to keep his lungs inflated. He is working on being three pounds by Sunday!
Sept. 24, 2007
Little Ricky got sick early Friday morning. His belly became very distended and x-rays showed a serious infection of the bowel walls. We were afraid he might need surgery or perhaps not survive the infection. Since Sunday he has gradually improved although he had to be put on a ventilator and a constant infusion of medication for pain. He is getting x-rays and lab work every 12 hours now as compared to every 6 hours previously.
Sept. 26, 2007
Little Ricky is a fighter. He is improving slowly. His belly looks 100% better. We are so grateful for all the prayers and support we have felt this week. Unfortunately this morning we noticed his left leg was swollen- the leg with his central IV access. When they tried to remove the line they broke off a piece inside and he had to go to surgery to have the remaining piece removed. He has a blood clot in his femoral vein which can be dangerous, but he is being closely observed.
Oct. 16, 2007
We are scheduled for discharge TODAY! Today’s date was Little Ricky’s due date so it seems appropriate that he should get to go home today.
Seeing our little boy struggle to survive, breathe, even struggle to take a bottle led me to the unfortunate realization I could not selfishly allow the risks of prematurity to happen to another infant. My doctors, a rheumatologist, ob/gyn, perinatologist, and reproductive endocrinologist affirmed that pre-eclampsia was likely to occur again, and next time maybe earlier than 26 weeks. After consulting with my medical team I had to relinquish the idea of trying to carry another baby.
We still had four mature blastocysts that had already been “conceived” and we felt morally obligated to give them the opportunity to mature into the little babies they were on the way to becoming. My own uterus was no longer a possibility; the only other realistic scenario would be to find someone else willing to participate in our family’s journey. It was at that point we came to the decision to seek a surrogate. Hallelujah! God provides!
Coming Up Next: D’Ann’s Story
© Pocketbebe, 2009.
