Oh, Snap. I’m really going there.
PART I: Surrogate’s Perspective
I think it is part of our nature to be curious about things, figure out how things work. Some things can be easy to understand, the black and white of our lives while the more complicated gray areas require us to take pause and sometimes gather knowledge prior to declaring our stance on an issue. I remember some of the times when I’ve failed to gather information, ponder, and understand the issue at hand prior to running my mouth; I often made judgmental, insensitive remarks and essentially made an ass of myself. Unfortunately, surrogacy isn’t only about carrying a baby for someone else; it also encompasses addressing the critics. So, why I feel this post teeters on the line of being tacky, I write it to those who are generally curious to understand the difference between what is called a altruistic surrogacy and a reimbursed/compensated surrogacy, not to those who stand with puffed up chests spouting off hurtful comments that surrogates are baby sellers and only carry babies for monetary gain.
First, let me explain that surrogacy tends to have a few confusing use of words that are commonly used and that while surrogacy is a gift, it is also a job. It is considered a job in that a surrogate is required and expected to do certain things that they themselves agree to, but not in the way that you receive a W2 or a 1099-MISC at the end the calendar year. Surrogates, surrogate agencies, and lawyers actually do themselves a disservice sometimes by adding to culture’s misunderstandings of surrogacy by using the word “compensation” for what is really termed “reimbursement.” The legal contracts of most surrogates will contain something along similar lines:
“It is the intention of the parties herein that any reimbursements made to the surrogate is not considered payment of fees or compensation. The parties understand that all monies paid to the surrogate hereunder is in the form of reimbursements for her expenses, time, inconvenience and pain and suffering; and , also as support for the yet unborn child and delivery of same and the surrogate’s expenses related to the same. Surrogate is not an employee of the IP and because she is not being paid fees or compensation she does not qualify as an independent contractor requiring a 1099 tax form and reporting.”
Truly, there really is no such thing as an altruistic surrogacy so for the most part when someone speaks of doing an altruistic surrogacy they mean the intended parents (IP’s) are only paying for costs associated with medical care and legal work. A “reimbursed” surrogacy is where the surrogate is reimbursed for medical expenses, legal expenses, other expenses, time, inconvenience, and pain & suffering. Every surrogacy contract is as unique as a snowflake and differs in many ways, all depending on the IP’s and the surrogate’s beliefs and boundaries. Most commonly there are two sections that cover the reimbursements in a contract; the first one is Special Procedure/Events. This category represents (with individual dollar amounts) what a surrogate will be “reimbursed” should certain procedures need to occur. Some examples of things that may appear in this area would be: amniocentesis, selective reduction, miscarriage, abortion, multiple pregnancies, cesarean birth, maternity clothing, life insurance policy costs, lost wages, and loss of reproductive organs. The second category, Living Expenses, means those expenses incurred by the surrogate during the term of the agreement that are necessary to provide for or assist in meeting her regular living expenses. This financial number is the larger number that partially covers the surrogate’s existence from the time of a positive pregnancy test to the delivery. It also covers the time (physicians visits, pharmacy visits, driving time – I am a three hour round trip to our fertility clinic and delivery destination), inconvenience ( vaginal progesterone suppositories), pain & suffering (delivery –vaginal or c-section, injections, side effects of fertility medication, swollen feet, heartburn, sitting on the toilet for over 30 minutes when constipation hits, etc.), and expenses like paying for childcare to attend appointments.
I imagine the “Living Expenses” category and the number associated with it is where people outside of the surrogate community decide to pass their judgment. Let me clarify that unless you are a surrogate for Sarah Jessica Parker or some other financially wealthy intended parent who decides to gift you gobs of money outside your legal contract for carrying their baby, you are not going to walk away from doing a surrogacy having received in cash more than what you gave emotionally and physically to the entire process. Anyone watch when the Little Couple from TLC went to the surrogacy center in California and the cost it was going to be to them to use that agency? Outrageous! The agency is the one benefiting financially from that arrangement. Another misconception is that surrogates receive a big lump sum of money like when someone hits the jackpot in the state lottery, it simply isn’t so. A good lawyer working for the IP’s will make sure that reimbursements are dispersed in increments as the pregnancy progresses and as the surrogate upholds her responsibilities.
There is usually a range that can be requested by surrogates depending on whether they are experienced or not. The range is also different between traditional surrogates and gestational surrogates. A first time gestational surrogate can usually have a base “Living Expense” reimbursement up to $25,000 to $30,000, though it is usually much lower around 15,000 to 22,000. An experienced surrogate can ask for more should she desire as she has shown success with fertility treatments and her body’s abilities.
I am doing a reimbursed surrogacy and the question I’ve gotten is, “Do I feel it is morally wrong to ask for reimbursement?” The answer now and from the beginning is no. A surrogacy is something I wanted to do to help someone have a child but is also something I am not able to do without help. I don’t have the extra resources necessary for the wear and tear to my vehicle to drive to Tampa for appointments (sometimes weekly), the fuel for vehicle, childcare for my kids for appointments, the trips to Miami. My time is valuable to my family and while I balance it as well as I can between work for our own business, my children and their activities, and volunteering my time, taking on the magnitude of responsibility required to do a surrogacy isn’t something I can justify doing without reimbursement.
Would we ever dare ask an athlete who has been blessed with certain physical abilities to play a potentially dangerous sport without receiving something to benefit his time spent in preparation for his sport or time away from his family? While a teacher doesn’t teach because they receive a large salary, do we ask them to endure all they have to endure in a day because they are supposed to love children and if you love children shouldn’t you want to help them without reimbursement? The preacher works right in the house of God, for God, do we make him feel like he should care for all the needs of the congregation as a volunteer?
At any rate, I can only speak for my motivations as a surrogate and why my contract looks the way it does. I hope this post has helped demystify some of the things that transpire in the surrogate community along with satisfying the curiosity that tends to manifest within all of us. I’ll never forget the day so many years ago when Kate Gosselin showed her midsection (pre tummy tuck), much to my curious satisfaction, on their show; I was so happy Kate had the cojones to “go there” and address what it was that everyone really wanted to know anyway.
PART II: Intended Mother’s Perspective
Jaymee Giddings is an intended mother who kindly is letting me republish an entire post from her blog titled, Our Surrogacy Adventure. I began following Jaymee as I started on my own adventure in fall of 2008. The surrogate, Bump Fairy, that wrote Jaymee asking the question below has since then ended up on her second surrogacy journey as Jaymee’s surrogate! Thanks ladies for sharing and many blessings on your journey.
Bump Fairy wrote:
Jaymee, you speak so highly of surrogates. How do you feel about the compensation aspect? I’d love it if you could post your thoughts, as an IM, on that issue. Being called a “back alley baby seller” never feels good, and from my seat it feels like people suck all of the good out of the journey just because of that one detail, as if it is not a good thing unless it is “free”. But the people speaking those words have never been in your shoes, I wonder how it is viewed from your side?
Wow, are you sure you would not just like to know the meaning of life?
It would be wonderful to live in a world where everything was free, time ran as fast or as slow as we needed, and every problem could be solved with a hug and a kiss. Unfortunately, we live in a world where everything, including the air at the gas station, costs money. We as a society have agreed that the paper with dead white guys on it is how we are going to trade goods and services, and yet somehow we have made it something dirty when it comes to particular goods and services. I guess I could give my surrogate a $25,000 piece of jewelry, like a friend of mine received from her husband after the birth of their first child. That would then really feel like buying a baby and what a more degrading way than with something bright and shiny like you use to distract small children.
For me the compensation came down to taking an honest look at what money was being paid out and what that money was for. Reality is that being pregnant costs money, you eat more, you need new clothes, you need more help with you own children, you have to travel to doctors’ offices and worse you have to sit in doctors’ offices. Then there is the physical toll that pregnancy takes on the body, weight gain, swelling, being uncomfortable, heartburn, hemorrhoids, morning sickness, not seeing your feet, loss of sleep, limited mobility, and a thousand other things. Of course, there is the big pink elephant on roller skates in the middle of the room, the baby/ies have to get out, and that is something that is not pretty, I saw the film in health class and that is some serious pain and suffering. Of course, this would be assuming that she was getting pregnant the “old fashioned way”, which is not how this works. So add to all that the injections (done by her significant other or herself), hormone overloads, and all the other lovely things that come along with regular infertility treatments. Now tell me that you would be willing do that for free for a stranger.
In making, my decisions throughout this process I have tried to put myself in the shoes of our future surrogate. This is hard to do at times, because I have never been pregnant and cannot fully appreciate what pregnancy is like. I consider myself to be a very generous person, I give to charity, donate my time, and think nothing of going out of my way to help others, but short of doing this for my sister (and even then there would have to be some really nice Christmas presents) I would never put myself through all that for nothing. Sure, the knowing that I helped fulfill someone’s life dream would be an amazing feeling, but realistically I do not think that many people are that altruistic.
This is Joe-bob and mine’s child who is lucky enough to have another woman willing to get them through the gestation period. This is going to sound like I am insane but bear with me for a moment. As a teenager, I was clinically depressed and my parents, who loved me more than anything, sent me to a boarding school where people could help me in a way that my parents were unable to at the time. Those people were paid to care for me when my parents were unable to, and nobody would expect it to have been any other way. I am unable to care for our child through gestation so we are sending it to someone who can. I do not see any difference in me going to boarding school and using a surrogate. Maybe I am stretching it here but I really see these things as analogous.
What our surrogate will give to us is something that no amount of money could ever repay. How much is the appropriate amount for a dream? So realistically, the compensation that she is getting is simply for her pain and suffering, and I believe that she deserves every penny. At least this way I do not feel the need to follow her around for the rest of her life laying rose petals at her feet or erect a temple in her honor.
In reality, she is not just giving us the chance to be parents. Going through this process is giving us the chance to heal from years of disappointment, intense pain, and so many moments of agony. Infertility takes away so much of your dignity, self-respect, confidence, trust and faith in humanity; it makes you bitter and makes the world a horrible place to live.
Before we started this process, I did a lot of work on myself. Bringing all the pain and hurt of infertility into a surrogacy takes away from the beauty of the process. If you are going to be jealous of your surrogate and think that you are less of a woman, because another woman is carrying your child then you and your surrogate are in for a very long journey. From what I have seen of others’ experiences it is these feelings that lead to misery for everyone involved. This is not a process for the weak; you have to know who you are and where your limits are to get through this, which goes for both parties. People are going to question what you are doing and say some of the most horrible things you have ever heard straight to your face. That is why being in this for just the money will never work; there is not enough money in the world to make anyone go through what surrogacy asks of you. It is a beautiful and amazing way to begin a family. It is also difficult and emotionally draining.
Bump Fairy, I hope this answered your question. Thank you for all the love and support you have given me through this process, you truly are an amazing woman.
© Pocketbebe, 2010
